I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
