Your tits are I can't wait for
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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