I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
