My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
