I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
