Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
