On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
