Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
