Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
