So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
