i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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