Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize