I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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