the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
