Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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