She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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