I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
