when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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