Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
