Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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