I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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