that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
