Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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