Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
