and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize