it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize