Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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