oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
