Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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