What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
