When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
