Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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