She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
