god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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