so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His hands were made for my vagina.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
