she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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