first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Is it because I queefed?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize