No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
