i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
