And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
