Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
