I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
