i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize