I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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