My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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