PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize