You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
