his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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