Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
