we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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