I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
