I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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