i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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