I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
