Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
