If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize