even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
