he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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