So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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