i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
