I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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